Date This.

So I’ve joined a couple of online dating services. And no, I haven’t responded to any of the guys who’ve emailed me. Because I’m rude and have a horrible attitude about dating and take forever to do anything.

OK, so now that we’ve established that, I was particularly taken with Jdate.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not about dating only Jewish guys. That’s fine if you want to, but me, I’m open to dating all faiths as long as they will watch movies like Space Mutiny with me.

Really, there’s no negatiation about that. Because I have values.

But Jdate intrigued me because it was the most feisty and up-front dating site. No winks, no flirts, just straight up grab me by the hair and date me.

It’s like having a Jewish Grandmother on steroids find dates for you. Every five minutes, my email kept yelling messages from my mailbox:

SOMEONE AT JDATE LIKES YOU
SOMEONE AT JDATE LIKES YOU
SOMEONE AT JDATE LIKES YOU

But soon, I’m sure I’ll get ones like:

IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU EMAILED THAT LAWYER BACK. HE TOOK THE TIME TO EMAIL YOU.

I THINK HE’S HURT.

WHAT’S WRONG NOW? THIS ONE’S A DERMATOLOGIST AND HE LOVES HIS FAMILY. IS THAT A PROBLEM FOR YOU?

I THINK YOU MIGHT NEED TO BE A BIT MORE REALISTIC ABOUT WHAT LOVE IS.

BECAUSE THERE’S “FANTASY LOVE” AND “REALITY LOVE”. I’M TALKING TO YOU.

THERE’S THE “FANTASY” OF WHAT YOU WANT, WHICH ISN’T REAL, AND THEN THERE’S “REALITY”.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT DIFFERENCE? BETWEEN “FANTASY” AND “REALITY”? DO YOU, LESLEY?

GOOD. NOW EMAIL THAT SALES ACCOUNTANT.

Whatever, JDate! How dare you tell me I don’t know reality from fantasy! I’ll date who I want when I’m ready. And I’ll fall in love. And this time, it’ll be real!

And now I present:

MY JDATE WITH SLIM GOODBODY* (*Warning. Not Reality.)

On Jdate, I get a lot of emails from older men. Sometimes, men in their early 50’s. Which got me thinking: “Hey, isn’t that guy who played ‘Slim Goodbody’ in his early 50’s by now? And isn’t he Jewish? And doesn’t it statistically stand to reason that if he were single, he might be on Jdate?”

For those of you who don’t know about Slim Goodbody, he was a TV character from the mid 70’s created and played by a guy named John Burstein. Burstein’s “alter ego” aka “Slim Goodbody”, used to make guest appearances on Captain Kangaroo and teach kids about health. And yes, he wore that body suit with painted internal organs and that afro.

Now I have no idea if John Burstein is single or not. But no matter. This skit is about me going on a date with the TV character Slim Goodbody.

If I were to go out with Slim Goodbody, I would have most certainly met him on Jdate. I’m guessing we’d go for dinner. Maybe somewhere wholesome, like Marie Callender’s.

So let’s see how that would pan out:

ME: Well, it sure is great to meet you in person Mr….Uh… Goodbody. I grew up watching you on TV.

SLIM GOODBODY: Please, call me Slim. It’s sure neat to meet you! I see you brought your “Thanks” rock along.

ME: Yeah, and apparently I also brought my lamp. And hairspray for my flat hair.

SLIM GOODBODY: My hair never gets flat. It’s full of nutrients and energy!

ME: Um, great! I see you brought your pillow.

SLIM GOODBODY: Oh, yeah, it’s great joint support. That sure does look like a healthy meal. It satisfies the food pyramid of nutrition. Fruit, vegetables, dairy, grains! I find that attractive.

ME: Yeah, um, thanks. It’s a big…big salad. So are you still working in TV-

SLIM GOODBODY: Your skin and teeth are healthy and shiny. And your hips are wide and strong! That’s good for the future!

ME: The future.

SLIM GOODBODY: Yeah! And I think it’s great that you decided to get out and date before your body gets much older than it already is!

ME: Wait….I’m sorry…what?

SLIM GOODBODY: I’ll explain. As the female body ages, it begins to sag and the organs become less vibrant. Not to mention a dropping uterus. Good nutrition will help. But not forever! So good for you getting out there while you’re still relatively fresh on the outside and the inside!

ME: Um..Ok. Wow. Well, it’s official. I’m sick.

SLIM GOODBODY: Oh, no! Let’s sweat it out. Let’s do some jumping jacks!

ME: You know what? I’ll pass. After I eat a food pyramid and listen to a guy in a unitard talk about my sagging uterus, I tend to get the bends. So no, I don’t want to stand up and do jumping jacks with you.

SLIM GOODBODY: Oh, we won’t do them standing up.

ME: Awesome. I’m just going to leave this twenty here. That covers the salad. It was great to meet you and I have to go sweep some shattered childhood memories into a dustbin, now.

SLIM GOODBODY: See ya next time when we discuss hygiene!

ME: You bet. You just keep sitting here waiting.

SLIM GOODBODY: Don’t forget to drink 120 fluid ounces of water a day! And eat lean meats! Hey…I don’t have your number.

ME: Ok, so bye! Talk soon!

SLIM GOODBODY: Well, ribcage, looks like it’s just you and me tonight. Check, please!

END SCENE

I think we all saw that coming didn’t we?

Don’t worry, I won’t give up on Jdate yet. Who knows what other great Jewish TV characters are out there for me. In the meantime, I’ll give Richard Simmons a call and just go out dancing. See ya.